Puppy love

I guess I have gone completely insane. After careful consideration and much contemplation on buying the "perfect" dog for our family we went and got a puppy Friday night. We have named her Tootsie. And she is quickly becoming the perfect dog although she is not what our research told us we should get.

The Dalmatian was, however, on a list of possibles and the price was right.

On Thursday I was walking with Kelsey and Jacob, discussing the puppy dilemma. Jacob, who has been the least enthusiastic about getting a dog, mentioned in passing, "I'd like a Dalmatian. I've always wanted one."

Kelsey said, "Yeah, that would be really cool."

When we got back I looked in the online Uncle Henry's, which is a swap and sell it guide here in Maine that comes out on Thursdays. I put in Dalmatian pup and found one ad. I showed all the kids the pictures and they all oohed and ahhed. It was the only dog that has managed to get an unanimous vote. They were within an hour's drive so I emailed the guy. As soon as he emailed me back on Friday, I called and got directions and we went and picked one out. Just like that.

Jossilyn would have loved her.

Nothing to say?

Every time I have sat down to post to anything lately, I find myself at a loss for words. Well, I guess that isn't exactly true--I am seldom at a loss for words. But I haven't had anything to say that I felt was worth the effort to type out. Not just here but on various lists that I am on. I just don't feel like saying anything I guess.

Last weekend I drove the kids over to Godric and Margaret's for a workshop day (SCA) and Sunday we went to youth fighter practice. It was good--but strange without Jossil. We will go to fighter again today. There is a tourney on the 28th. They have decided to have it as a memorial to Jossilyn. It was the tourney she won last year.

So Kaleb will be fighting and since he had not been to practice since Jossilyn went into the hospital in January, he needs to get some in before the tourney. The last one he fought in was at Birka, the weekend Joss became sick again. He was second in his division and the boy who beat him has been fighting many years more than Kaleb.

It is very quiet without Jossilyn--something we have all noticed.

We did not go to SCA dance practice last week, but will next Sunday. (It is every other week.) I think that will be harder for me than fighter without Jossil . She loved to dance like nothing else--except sing.

With the event coming up Kelsey and I have been sewing new garb. We have also registered to go to the Pennsic War this summer. Two weeks requiring garb! We have lots of sewing to do. Kaylin and Josie will probably not go with us, but we are planning on taking them to some other smaller events. As long as the weather is accomodating.

We are thinking about getting a puppy in time for Josie's birthday. We have been wanting one for a few years now. Jossilyn's diagnosis and treatment made it impossible. Before she relapsed in Jan. we had decided to get one. (Josie loves dogs.) Then of course, when the cancer returned we were back looking atno dog until a least a year post-transplant again. After much consideration, I have decide to return to our original plan.

Happy 10th birthday, Jossilyn

Jossilyn's birthday has come and gone. It was Monday, April 2nd. It was an odd day--as so many of them are now without her with us. It didn't feel right to any of us to have a celebration, but we couldn't not do anything either. We bought a couple of "in the spirit of Jossilyn" gifts--something for the hamster Toby that Joss picked out on our only trip home from the hospital and two expansions for Sims 2. We also lit 10 candles and let them burn on the mantle.

Jacob had a minor meltdown on Monday. I was expecting it but I am afraid I didn't handle as well as I could have.

Yesterday I got upset over the Sims 2 game. The kids were making our family, which is all fun and good. They did not include Jossilyn, which was hard for me but I know they are still working on this too. But then they made our cat Tug who died this past Thanksgiving day. In retrospect, I realize the loss of Jossilyn is so much bigger and fresher and harder. I know they just can't bear to include her. But I can't bear NOT to.

We are not wallowing in our grief. Life goes on and I have these five wonderful if sometimes challenging kids to keep me busy. Jossilyn's stuff is still hanging around. Some people keep telling me I need to get rid of all of it. NOT going to happen. The other kids are choosing what they want. Eventually it will all be taken care of.

We still have pictures up and always will. I don't care if everyone else says its not the "right" way to do things. (Some kind of garbage about putting it out of our minds, etc.) I'm not going to try to erase her from our lives. It is impossible.

My sister has been calling me about my nephew again. It really seems like the loss of Jossilyn has put things into some kind of perspective for him. (He came home from school the day after the service very upset with his teachers. "It's like they don't even care that my little cousin just died...") He is ready to just be done with school on their terms. It is not working for him and he is ready to try something else.

Kelly is still struggling with all she has been indoctrinated with and hesitating to make the "big decision." I've talked with her. Kelsey, Jacob and Kaleb all talked with her last night. What is the big deal? Just do it. Just try it.

It is so frustrating to me because it is so obvious to me. I never had the struggle she is having. Although I feel for her on a certain level, I have little patience with it at this point. Why subject your child to something so heinous just because "they" say it is the way it should be done?