Jossilyn's birthday has come and gone. It was Monday, April 2nd. It was an odd day--as so many of them are now without her with us. It didn't feel right to any of us to have a celebration, but we couldn't not do anything either. We bought a couple of "in the spirit of Jossilyn" gifts--something for the hamster Toby that Joss picked out on our only trip home from the hospital and two expansions for Sims 2. We also lit 10 candles and let them burn on the mantle.
Jacob had a minor meltdown on Monday. I was expecting it but I am afraid I didn't handle as well as I could have.
Yesterday I got upset over the Sims 2 game. The kids were making our family, which is all fun and good. They did not include Jossilyn, which was hard for me but I know they are still working on this too. But then they made our cat Tug who died this past Thanksgiving day. In retrospect, I realize the loss of Jossilyn is so much bigger and fresher and harder. I know they just can't bear to include her. But I can't bear NOT to.
We are not wallowing in our grief. Life goes on and I have these five wonderful if sometimes challenging kids to keep me busy. Jossilyn's stuff is still hanging around. Some people keep telling me I need to get rid of all of it. NOT going to happen. The other kids are choosing what they want. Eventually it will all be taken care of.
We still have pictures up and always will. I don't care if everyone else says its not the "right" way to do things. (Some kind of garbage about putting it out of our minds, etc.) I'm not going to try to erase her from our lives. It is impossible.
My sister has been calling me about my nephew again. It really seems like the loss of Jossilyn has put things into some kind of perspective for him. (He came home from school the day after the service very upset with his teachers. "It's like they don't even care that my little cousin just died...") He is ready to just be done with school on their terms. It is not working for him and he is ready to try something else.
Kelly is still struggling with all she has been indoctrinated with and hesitating to make the "big decision." I've talked with her. Kelsey, Jacob and Kaleb all talked with her last night. What is the big deal? Just do it. Just try it.
It is so frustrating to me because it is so obvious to me. I never had the struggle she is having. Although I feel for her on a certain level, I have little patience with it at this point. Why subject your child to something so heinous just because "they" say it is the way it should be done?
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4 comments:
There isn't any "right" way to do this Marge. Don't let anyone tell you there is...you guys will find your way, little by little, you'll find and do and be.
xo
Since when do you do things the "right" way?? You always do things the right way....we all have our own version of what that might be.
Are you getting my emails??
Marge,
My emails to you bounce back... I read your posts...Please follow your heart... I know you will...We're thinking of you often..
I have the book you want- Guerrilla Learning- and will send it to you this week. Gus completely quit the few classes he was taking at school and we both feel so much better.
Kathy Poulos-Minott
There *is* a right way to do this... really, there is!
It's *YOURS*
No one else's.
Go where your heart leads you.
Do what you are ready to do.
On your own schedule.
(just don't forget to BREATHE)
YOUR way IS the *right* way
((((Marge))))
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