Today I brought my girl home in a box...

It is just NOT RIGHT! But I couldn't stand the thought of the alternative either. Keeping her in a big freezer in a box until spring and then putting her precious body in the ground. There was NO WAY that was going to happen.

Yesterday marked the passing of the first week since Jossilyn left us. Can it be so long? Impossible.

Today I finally started to unpack the things we brought home from the hospital It has been sitting in the middle of our kitchen since Friday. I sat and picked her sweet pinky hair off her coat and cried. She had me wash the coat in the hospital and I wish I hadn't--it doesn't really smell like her now. Most everything she had in the hospital is tainted by that hospital smell. Her little pajama top smells like her CVL dressing and flushes to me.

Kelsey has been sleeping in Jossilyn's bed.

We watched part of a tape Kelsey made of our trip to the Birka event (SCA) in NH January 25-28. The last we have of Jossilyn and I wanted to asked why WHY didn't she get more footage of Jossil. But it would just hurt her. She didn't realize. None of us did (though I had my concerns...) But Jossilyn looks so good. She was so sick--dying. And she just looks cute and not sick.

I have spent much of the last week racking my brain. Trying to figure out what we could have done differently so that she wouldn't have died. But, dammit, there is NOTHING. Nothing was working. None of the chemo or the antibiotics or any of it. And I feel so damn sorry for myself because I miss my precious feisty girl. And that just pisses me off because I hate feeling sorry for myself. I feel pathetic. And it doesn't help because I still miss her.

I DON'T WANT TO DO THIS ANYMORE.